Before I truly begin today’s blog entry, I must first apologize to my two faithful readers who have had to wait twenty-eight days for a new blog from me. For me, blogging is something that can only be done under strictly controlled conditions: the house must be quiet, I must be alert enough to type, and I must be feeling inspired. In the last few weeks those three things just haven’t been happening at the same time!
But I am tonight sacrificing my sleep to bring you this fabulous blog entry: Ten Things That I Am NOT the Princess Of. Or, for those of you who can’t handle dangling prepositions like that: Ten Things of Which I Am NOT the Princess. Either way it sounds wrong. That’s why English, as my English teacher Mr. Fordyce used to say, is a twit language.
1. I am not the Princess of Organization. Really. I stink at organization. I am a total and utter procrastinator, and a slob. I was organized in college only to survive, but now that I don’t have thousands of pages of reading to do every week I am completely unorganized. Part of the reason for this is that I am extremely particular about the way things are organized. I never have time to organize them the right way so I just don’t bother organizing them at all. It makes sense in my head anyway.
2. I am not the Princess of Clean Houses. I am just awful at all that housewifey stuff. I’m a big slob, for one thing, so I struggle with the whole “clean up after yourself” thing. Plus I just don’t care about stuff like baseboards and ironing. For real. If my baseboards bother you, you can feel free to come over and clean them. Only bring your own bucket of soapy water because my husband threw my mop bucket away. And don’t ask when I mopped last, because for real, you don’t want to know. And yes, my husband really did throw my mop bucket away.
3. I am not the Princess of Vegetables. I really don’t like vegetables. I’ve gotten better but it’s still pretty bad. Sometimes I go weeks without ingesting a single member of the vegetable family unless you count the tomato sauce on my pizza, which of course, doesn’t count, because everyone knows tomatoes are really a fruit.
4. I am not the Princess of Unpacking. We moved two and a half months ago. There are still TONS of boxes that I have not unpacked. In the living room. There is a reason for this, and it sounds really good, but the truth of the matter is I HATE unpacking and so I did just enough to survive on and left the rest till I get bored with playing sudoku.
5. I am not the Princess of Reading Instructions. Several months ago, some friends gave us their old couch, which was in lovely shape except for the stuffing popping out of the top of the back. So I bought a nice soft afghan to cover the back with and TADA! Fabulous looking couch. Except I have two small children who think that a blanket hanging on the back of the couch says, “Please someone, remove me and fling me around the room and leave me lying on the floor so that the dog can lay on me and make me smell like dog so your mother has even more laundry to do.” My sons, who are incapable of hearing me speak to them unless I am using the words “Thomas the Tank Engine” or “ice cream,” clearly heard the voice of the blue blanket and followed its instructions perfectly. So earlier this week I popped the talking blue blanket into the washing machine for a little bath. Then into the dryer. Um, bad choice. Had I read the instructions for this blanket, I would have seen that I needed to wash it by hand and leave it lying flat to dry. Ooops. My blue blanket is now very threadbare, but I am the proud owner of a ball of navy blue lint that is about the size of a basketball. A men’s basketball. Nice. If you see two boys running around wearing nothing but blue fuzz, those would be mine.
6. I am not the Princess of Shy People. In fact, some would say I’m a little too out of control. But I think it just makes me fun and spontaneous!! Right?? But I think I freaked some lady at the shoe store out today because I snickered at something her daughter said. It just sounded exactly like something my son would say, and it made me giggle. I think she thought I was psycho for listening to her conversation, but sorry! Earlier this week my kids at work were having their hourly “High School Musical” sing and dance along, and I decided to join in. Seriously, I now have all those songs memorized. So I grabbed the handle of the floor sweeper for a microphone and ran up there with the girls and belted out The Start of Something New at the top of my lungs. Lucky for me my coworker caught the whole performance on his camera and posted the pictures in our classroom the next day. I love my job.
7. I am not the Princess of Correspondence. I am terrible with cards and letters. I do okay with email, but even so. Mostly I just forget to mail things. I could fill a very large rubbermaid tote with all the cards and letters I have written but never mailed. Well, I could if I could find them, which I can’t, because–
8. I am not the Princess of Finding Things. I lose things. A lot. This is probably due to #1. Or because that part of your brain that says “you put the keys in the butter dish” doesn’t work in me.
9. I am not the Princess of Careful Spending. It might be best if I didn’t go into this, because I think my husband might still be mad at me. Let’s just say he threatened to either take away my debit card or else turn me upside down and shake all the receipts out of my pockets every night when I get home. I personally hope he goes for number one because I think it would be very funny to watch him try.
10. I am not the Princess of Finishing What I Sta