How to Get out the Door in the Morning, in Several Easy Steps

1. Get self up. Shower, brush teeth, do hair, get dressed.

2. Get dog up. Take out in rain. Bring in. Feed.

3. Get children up. Tickle and sing and kiss. Send older child to bathroom. Search for wipes to clean younger child’s bum. Send younger child to bathroom. Yell at dog for trying to sniff older child’s pee-pee.

4. Go to basement to get clean underwear for children. Give underwear to older child. End argument about the fact that underwear are not Lightning McQueen with a resounding “because I said so!” Get younger child to stand still while you wrestle him into underwear.

5. Go to basement to get clean shorts for children. Give shorts to older child. End argument about the fact that shorts are not his very favorite shorts with a resounding “because I said so!” Get younger child to stand still while you wrestle him into shorts.

6. Return to basement to get t-shirts for children. Give t-shirt to older child with a sharp warning that if he argues about what he’s wearing anymore he’s going to go naked. Ignore older child when he says he wants to go naked. Get younger child to stand still while you wrestle him into shirt.

7. Brush children’s teeth. Comb children’s hair. Lament older child’s extreme need for a haircut.

8. Spend twenty minutes searching for older child’s glasses, while dog nips frantically at your ankles and younger child cries that he is “hungwy” and needs his “bekfest.”

9. Stare hopelessly into the refrigerator. Note complete lack of milk, eggs, and cheese.

10. Stare hopelessly into the cupboard. Note complete lack of cereal, bread, and just-add-water pancake mix.

11. Tell children to find their shoes. Spend ten minutes searching for younger child’s second blue sandal, while younger child cries hysterical because he is “hungwy.” Decide that younger child will have to wear tennis shoes. Wrestle younger child onto the couch and place one shoe on his foot. Be alerted by older son that the dog is in the process of pooping on the floor. Yell at dog. Put other shoe on child’s foot.

12. Take children and dog outside in rain. Send children to car. Watch dog to make sure she finishes her poopy. Take dog inside.

13. Clean up doggy poop from floor. Turn around to discover dog has barfed on the floor behind you. Say unkind words. Clean up mess.

14. Grab purse. Find younger child’s other blue sandal. Roll eyes.

15. Expertly block dog from exiting house using only left foot. Lock door.

16. Buckle children into Big Brother approved carseats. Back out of the driveway extremely fast, causing children to become nervous.

17. Stop at convenience store for yummy, nutritious breakfast of cereal bars and chocolate milk.

18. Congratulations, you’re on your way! Have a GREAT day!!!


11 thoughts on “How to Get out the Door in the Morning, in Several Easy Steps

  1. lol, at least everyone got out in one piece.

    try setting out clothes the night before. always keep ceral/gronola bars on hand (I buy in bulk).

    or, don’t wake childen up…

  2. Ummm…

    Traditionally in our society just about all people wear underwear, pants/skirts, and shirts. May I suggest that if you were to keep this information in mind and act upon it when you make your first trip to the cellar that you might then find yourself avoiding the two consequent trips?

  3. roflmbo! life will simplify when they are old enough to feed themselves, i promise! i remember those days. now they even get the girls breakfast usually before i ever crawl outa bed! LOL …i’m gonna miss them when they go back to school….

  4. I just want to say I’m glad I have two little girls who sit still to get dressed! Okay, that’s a lie, I have one little girl who sits still to get dressed, the other one wiggles and squirms and thinks clothes should be oppitional!I feel for you Erin! Right now Katie only wants to wear her Blue’s Clues overalls and ladybug panties. Katie also wants Abby to wear a Blue’s clues outfit, fortunately Abby has four of them so its more doable. Anyway, yay for the joyous mornings with a house full of little ones! I can hardly wait to join the fun of mornings at your house!

  5. A few years ago there was a great invention to assist with those times when we can’t keep things in mind. It’s called “pen and paper.” Recommend that you acquire some, assemble a sign, and pin it on the ceiling of your cellarway. Only a little effort, and think of all the trips eventually saved. 😉

  6. The only thing better than the original is the banter back and forth with Grandpa! I am happy to say my laundry is not in the cellar… rather it’s all over the hallway upstairs where my darling son has “found boxers” to wear and then the cat slept in the pile…. Trust me I can relate!

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