Necessary Knowledge

Welcome to the Basic Parenting Skills Test. The purpose of this test will be to assess your knowledge of basic parenting facts and skills. While passing this test prior to becoming a parent is not currently a requirement in your state, we recommend that you utilize this information as you determine whether or not parenting is for you.

*Note: the questions in this test are meant only to prepare you for the first eight years of your child’s life. Testing is available for parents of preteens in the Basic Parenting Skills for Parents of Preteens. Testing is currently unavailable for parents of teenagers as we believe there really isn’t anything that can be done about them.

PART ONE: The first section of this test is the knowledge portion. Answer each question as fully and accurately as you can. While you are working, the persons responsible for proctoring your test may at any time come by with random, unrelated questions, with spills that require cleaning, or with mashed sweet potatoes which they will be flinging at you. Part of the requirements for passing this test is to answer all questions, however insignificant or obscure, correctly, leave the room cleaner than you found it, and turn in a paper that has no food stains on it. The theme music from High School Musical  and Sponge Bob Square Pants will be playing repeatedly throughout your test session.  Please refrain from inadvertently putting the words of “Start of Something New” into any answer on your test.

1. Please briefly describe how to deliver your own baby in the backseat of a minivan at three in the morning.

2. In twenty words or less, defend your choice to breast or bottle feed against either the formula industry or La Leche League, respectively.

3.  Please list all the engines on the Island of Sodor in alphabetical order. Sketches will earn you bonus points, but only if they have the proper number of wheels.
4. Please list all the characters in High School Musical and write a brief description of each.

5. Create a month-long dinner menu for a family of five on a budget of $75/week. Each meal must draw from each of the food groups, must be nutritionally sound, and must meet the criteria of a picky four-year-old eater.

6.  Please write a brief response to a three-year-old who comes home from preschool and says “Bobby said there’s no *&^%&^*^ Santa Clause.” Be sure that you use age-appropriate language.

7. In 25 words or less, describe a proactive response to a two-year-old screaming for candy in the middle of the grocery store, assuming that leaving her there and/or calling your mother is not an option.

8. Write a paragraph describing the work out of home mother vs. stay at home mother debate, taking a position in the debate and defending your choice.

9. Create a weekly schedule for a family of five where both parents work, two children attend school, and one child attends daycare. In your schedule, include two dentist appointments, one soccer practice, one boy scouts meeting, one football game, two dance classes, after-school tutoring for one, church activities for all, two work meetings, one meeting with a teacher, two music lessons (on different days), a trip to the grocery store, a trip to the library, a trip to the zoo, eating dinner as a family at least five nights, family movie night, and a date with your spouse. Be sure to leave time to work out every day, make homemade meals for your family, and keep your home clean. Create this schedule under the assumption that the family’s second car is in the shop for at least four days out of the week, and that your disabled aunt is living with you and cannot be left alone for more than an hour and a half at a time. Please use the markers provided to color-code the schedule for easy reference.

10. Describe what you would do if your child bit the dog.

11. List your top choices for baby names. If the proctor does not like your name choices, you will automatically fail the test.

12. Describe your response when your child draws an anatomically correct male on the blackboard at school.

13. Please list your top five preschool picks for your child. If you haven’t started thinking about this yet, you’d better. Studies show that within ten years, 90% of children who are enrolled in preschool will have been enrolled prior to their parents’ first date.

14. Describe the following methods of education: public school, private/parochial school, home school. Compare and contrast, listing strengths and weaknesses. Choose a method of education for your child and defend it.

15. List five things that would make you a “cool” mom or dad. *Note: a sweet collection of music from the years when you were in high school does not make you a cool parent.

PART TWO: The practical skills portion of your test will be given individually. Please perform each skill to the best of your ability. If at any time there is a four-year old screaming bad words from the time-out chair in the corner, please ignore him and continue your exam.

1. Please sing the following songs: “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” “I’m a Little Teapot,” “The Farmer in the Dell,” a lullaby of your choice, “Bop to the Top,” the Bob the Builder theme song, and a song about an elephant chasing a crocodile up a tree because he stole her cheeseburger.

2. Please potty-train the provided child.

3. Using the ropes and the children provided, restrain the children in such a way that you will be able to take a 10-minute shower without one of them walking in on you, pointing, and saying, “What are THOSE???”

4. Please sew a princess costume for a five-year-old girl. You have twenty minutes.

5. Please choose from the foods provided the one food that will not cause any health problems in a diabetic child, a celiac child, and a child with a severe peanut/milk/soy/wheat/rice allergy.

6. Please read the newspaper article provided and have a ten-minute discussion about it with the proctor of your exam, while at the same time feeding the three provided children the meal provided. Please note that not a single one of the children likes anything you are serving.

7. Please turn out the lights and walk across the floor. Your goal is to make it across the room without waking the sleeping baby, no matter how many legos, half-eaten lollipops, or piles of dog poo you step in.

8. Put the provided children to bed, following a bedtime routine of bath, pajamas, storytime, drinks of water, bathroom, tuck in, lights out. You have ten minutes.

9. Come up with a cure for rainy-day boredom using the provided old kleenex, toilet paper tube, dryer lint, lima beans, and dried play-doh.

10. Over the phone, dispute your credit card bill while the provided children play “who can yell the loudest” and “let’s rearrange the furniture.”

You have completed your Basic Parenting Skills Exam. Your results will be mailed to you within ten business days. Once you receive your results, you may wish to discuss them with one of our counselors. Call the phone number included with your test results to speak to a counselor, set up a parenting class, or make an appointment for sterilization.

Thank you for your participation in the Basic Parenting Skills Exam. Aspirin and massages are available down the hall for a small fee. Persons who have developed a twitch are advised to contact their physician.

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7 thoughts on “Necessary Knowledge

  1. Oh my gosh! I had so forgotten just how amazingly funny you are. Girl, you should do stand-up! I’m telling you, God has blessed you with the funniest wit I’ve heard in a long time. I have got to put your blog link on my blog, just to give someone else a laugh and a fart or two!

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