So wordpress recently changed its dashboard, which made a lot of people very mad because the only people who like change are those who have enough in their pockets to buy chocolate or a cup of coffee. Seriously, you would have thought that the original wordpress dashboard was the High Holy Dashboard, Last Bastion of All That Is Right in the Universe, and that the replacement had been brought up from the very depths of the Pit.
Even my marvelous husband, whom I love more than even chocolate, threatened to leave wordpress if he couldn’t figure out how to work his new, unasked for, unwanted stepchild of a dashboard. This was after he glanced at the new setup for about five seconds and couldn’t find what he was looking for. Big Sexy is definitely not one who deals with change well. I’m sure wordpress will hit the depths of despair if my husband should choose to move his blog, because undoubtedly such a loss would plunge the entire wordpress community into ruin.
But I digress. Making fun of my husband is not my newest obsession; it is, in fact, one I have had for a long time. Sometimes I think it gives people the wrong impression because they think I’m being mean to him. So I want to make it clear that I love, cherish, adore, and am eternally thankful for my husband, who stays with the boys while I come to this cushy job where I do nothing but blog and make fun of him.
So you see, I am a jerk. And he is wonderful.
Now, back to the topic at hand: the new wordpress dashboard. Right on the front page is this neato frito “stats” box that shows how many views my blog is getting every day. (Not enough. Tell all your friends about me so that my self esteem goes up). If I click on the box, I get very detailed information about where people are coming from to see the wonder and joy that is my blog. Including search engine terms.
This box has reduced my self worth to a pile of smoldering ashes.
Seriously, one day I noticed that I had had a lot of hits that day. Well, a lot of hits for me, anyway. As in, more than five (all me, checking how my blog looks on different computers). And I was like, I so rock. My blog is way popular and any minute I’m going to get a huge book contract and then I can retire to somewhere with NO SNOW (did I mention it’s snowing in Iowa again today? On April the stinking TWELFTH?).
The little stat box of despair ruined my hopes, my dreams, everything. Because according to it, more than HALF the hits on my blog have been to one post– the one where I was dumb enough to refer to a little yellow bear with a head full of fuzz (I am NOT naming him again and I am NOT linking to that post, it gets enough views already, look at THIS post, darn it. See how funny I am! Revel in the joy of reading the sheer genius that is currently pouring from my fingertips!). And not only did I name said chubby little cubbie all stuffed with fluff, I also posted a picture of him. And people apparently like pictures of animals who live in the hundred-acre woods. So they google his name a lot. And that’s where all my hits are coming from.
So thankful to have provided a service. So far today, more than 75% of my visitors have viewed that stupid post. In which I was writing about poop, thank you very much. Not even really writing about the bear. And the search engine terms used to find my blog are nearly all variants of “pictures of . . . [that darn honey-loving creature].”
There, are, however, a few bright spots. People who found my blog using creative means NOT involving stuffed animals. For example:
mother of boys– yup, that’s me. I hope you come back. This is the best blog ever for mothers of boys. Although if you’re not a mother of boys, you should come back too. This is also the best blog ever for mothers of girls, mothers of girls and boys, fathers of boys, fathers of girls, fathers of girls and boys, grandparents, childless couples, singles, children, teenagers, college students who should be doing their homework instead of playing online, you know, everyone. Except willie-nillie silly old bears.
going on a picnic— Sounds like fun. Except for the snow. And the wind. Not that I’m bitter. You should come back too. This is the best blog ever for people going on picnics. Unless you’re taking honey with you.
name of the teaching strategies— this one fascinates me. Name of what teaching strategies? The kind used to teach your children to stick grapes in their noses? You come back too. And if you have time, come see me at work. When I’m not blogging, I help people with their writing and grammar and stuff. We could have some bonding.
the happy princess notes— I like this one. Maybe I should change my blog name to Happy Princess Notes. Except then people would be expecting sunshine and daisies, and they would be rudely awakened when they read my blog. Because as much as I like sunshine and daisies (especially since sunshine and daisies = NO SNOW), I’m not a sunshine and daisies person. In case you haven’t noticed. I’m not the princess of happy happy joy joy. Still, you come back sometime too. This is the best blog ever for people who like happy princesses.
bumblebee school project— I bet the person who clicked on me from this search was so disappointed when they realized that my bumblebee school project was a nightshirt gone awry. I’m thinking that a sewing disaster is probably not what you had in mind. Still, you should come back. This is the best blog ever for people who are looking for bumblebee school projects. Look, I even found you some!
dining room kids manners— bahahahahahaha! That is just so ironic. If I weren’t at work, maintaining a constant air of professionalism, I would roll on the floor laughing and spit coffee on the monitor. Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best place to learn about teaching your kids manners. But you should still come back. Because this is the best blog ever for people whose kids need to learn manners. You are not alone, my friend.
fever 104 ear infection hard to wake— um, yeah. This is the time to not be checking out my rockin’ blog, this is the time to be going to the doctor. Just sayin’– you come back sometime but not until that fever is down. Eesh!
And there you have it. A comprehensive guide to my latest obsession. Search engine terms. And getting mad at Winnie the Pooh.
Oh no! I said the accursed name!!
Well, maybe it will help my count go up.