The Princess of Cleaning. Or Not.

So I decided that my house was getting so dirty it might just eat my children, and therefore it was time to do something about it. When i get these ideas into my head, my husband usually rolls his eyes and then puts up with me for a couple days till the urge subsides. Poor guy.

So this time around we both took a day off work to attack the dust bunnies and evil killer dirt of despair that had taken up residence in our humble abode. My list was three pages long. I think we checked off maybe five things. But all was not lost, becasue the most important thing is

I got the kitchen clean.

Also, I learned some general Laws of the Universe that I am now passing along to you, as an encouragement to those of you who are even now embarking on that great journey we call Spring Cleaning.

Law #1What goes up must come down. Therefore, if you put a box of cereal on top of the fridge while you are cleaning out the cereal cabinet, chances are that before you have a chance to put it away you will be showered with Honey Nut Cheerios.

Law #2– All things tend toward disorder. Basically speaking, in the process of cleaning out your cupboards you are likely to make a bigger mess than you had when you started. And if you do manage to clean your kitchen, you will immediately be forced to make dinner, which will spill, splatter, and fill your just-scrubbed sink with dirty dishes.

Law #3– What can go wrong, will. You will run out of cleaner. You will use up every rag you own before you’re even half done wiping out your cupboards. You will spill a whole box of Minute Rice all over your just-wiped-off counter. You will discover that your vacuum has a foot-long clog in it just when you’re getting ready to use it to suck the cobwebs out of the corners. Your child will fall down and hurt himself and require a trip to the emergency room just after you empty out your fridge. This is life. Be prepared.

Law #4– Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So as soon as you get your kitchen clean, you will walk into the dining room and discover that your children have built a train out of every single toy they own all over the floor.

Law #5– Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A sparkling kitchen, which looks so lovely to me, will not please a five-year-old boy nearly as much as decorating every metal surface in the kitchen with magnets will. And when you finally get your house clean, don’t expect your kids to feel happy and glowy and joyfully pitch in to keep it that way. A thing of beauty is a joy forever– but we’re still trying to come to an agreement about what exactly is the definition of a thing of beauty.

Law #6– You can’t make pudding with rice milk. Okay, so maybe not a law, but definitely a Public Service Announcement to all of you with lactose-intolerant people in your house. When I cleaned out my cupboard I discovered at least 700 boxes of instant pudding, which is one of those things I buy when I’m feeling guilty for never buying my kids treats, but which apparently I never actually make. So I determined to make pudding for my children, which filled my husband with grief and despair, because he loves pudding but has stopped eating dairy products (for the most part) for his general health and well-being (and to greatly decrease our toilet paper budget). So being the devoted wife that I am, desiring to please my husband and show my love for him by preparing his favorite dessert, I attempted to make chocolate pudding with rice milk. That doesn’t actually work. So if anyone has an idea of what I could do with a substance that tastes exactly like chocolate pudding but has the consistency of, well, rice milk, please do share. Right now it’s in my freezer because I couldn’t bear to waste three cups of rice milk.

There you have it folks. Six very important life-changing laws of housecleaning and general life in the princess’s household.

I will close with a quote from my son which I will now not be able to use on Monday for Small Voices.

Sam: Mommy, why do you keep cleaning so much?
Ryan: Because she wants us to be normal.

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10 thoughts on “The Princess of Cleaning. Or Not.

  1. I’m LMBO at what Ryan said. That’s hilarious.

    AJ is always asking me why I don’t clean more. The dirty kitchen/bathroom/laundry bothers him a lot…but not enough to make him help me, of course.

    I’ve never even heard of rice milk, but it sounds vomituous.

  2. Love the picture and love the laws of the universe! They sell some lactose free milk product at teh grocery store, that you could probably use for all that pudding!!

  3. i’m exhausted just reading that. i think i’ll put off my spring cleaning for one more week now. thanks. lol

    p.s. i threw out all my jello and pudding boxes last year when i spring cleaned and actually managed to not buy any this year, which is an accomplishment in and of itself.

  4. I have good news and bad news:

    The good news: You may have something in your freezer now that is quite similar to chocolate ice cream.

    The bad news: It’s not normal chocolate ice cream.

  5. Is it really necessary to inform the entire cyber world of my issues with Milk? And yes, Laura, Rice Milk is vomitous. As is milk, and all other milk or milk substitute products. Milk is gross. There is a comedian who said once, “What I want to know is who’s the guy who looked at a cow’s udder and said, ‘I’m gonna drink whatever comes out of that thing’?”

  6. I just started my Spring Cleaning and drub out all our summer clothes and I want to sit down and cry or set the house on fire and pretend it was an accident so I don’t have to face it all!

    I feel your pain trying to make your hubby a treat since I have a little lactose intollarent one here myself! Not sure if this will work but try adding a package of unflavored pectan in the pudding mix and then add the rice milk, it SHOULD thicken it without adding any flavor. Also try decresing the amount of rice milk if its still runny, or increase the amount of pectan packets. I plan to try it too! Good luck!

  7. See, Law #2 is why I just don’t clean anymore.

    I have two teens at home (and also one preteen who still likes me most of the time). My teens are forever grumbling, “Why can’t this place ever get clean? I’m embarrassed to bring XXXX over because it’s so dirty around here.” Ummmm, and WHY is it so dirty? And who has two perfectly good, functional hands to make it less dirty?

    My eldest actually claims to prefer her room with her clothes strewn all over the floor because she can “see all she has to choose from then.” Grrrr….

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