There is nothing as demoralizing as driving down the road with your blinker turned on, knowing that everyone around you thinks you’re a moron for not turning it off, and not being able to turn it off. The nice stick that has the blinkers and the headlights on it was apparently tired of sticking out perkily from the steering column and decided it would be much more pleasant to dangle uselessly in the eternally left-blinker-on position. Click-click. Click-click. Art finds it entertaining. I find it humiliating. This is just the last in the never-ending series of fails that is our car. In addition to signaling turns into houses, barns, cornfields, and large bodies of water, the car also possesses no driver-side sun visor, no air conditioning, and no power steering. Also the speakers are blown out. And yet the darn thing just keeps on driving, like that knight on Monty Python who, after having all his limbs removed, insists that it’s “merely a flesh wound.” So sorry, Small Town, Iowa, but the Princess of the FailCar will still be driving it– with the brights on (did I mention they’re stuck on?), cranking the steering wheel like a madwoman to try to get the car to turn, listening to the twitch-inducing symphony of those staticky, blown-out speakers and the eternally-on left turn signal. Click-click. Click-click.
In other news, last night I was required by the state of Iowa to attend a class called “Universal Precautions.” For those of you who do not work with children (and I assume some variation of this class is offered to hospital staff, nursing home staff, anyone who cares for people), Universal Precautions is an annually required training course that reminds you just how gross your job really is. Generally, when I have taken this class I have had to watch a video, the highlight of which is when a woman scrubs her counters with a piece of raw, bloody chicken to demonstrate how germs are spread from sponges and such. Basically the whole point of this class is WASH YOUR HANDS YOU IDIOTS!!! AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, WASH EVERYTHING ELSE YOU EVER TOUCH! AND WEAR GLOVES!!! AND DON’T TOUCH POOP OR PEE OR BLOOD OR BOOGERS OR ANY OTHER BODILY FLUID!!! AND WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!! Every time I take this class I spend the next week or so compulsively washing my hands, like Monk on crack. It’s just so gross.
Well, this time around I lucked out and was not asked to watch the bloody chicken video. Instead, I was instructed by a fascinating woman by the name of Kiki (my sons were very entertained when I told this to them), who taught the entire hour-long class without once looking at her notes. She was awesome, really. I mean, no one likes to take these classes but she was able to convey the needed information without boring us to death, and also without ever even mentioning raw meat of any kind. Her main points? WASH YOUR HANDS YOU IDIOTS!!! AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, WASH EVERYTHING ELSE YOU EVER TOUCH! AND WEAR GLOVES!!! AND DON’T TOUCH POOP OR PEE OR BLOOD OR BOOGERS OR ANY OTHER BODILY FLUID!!! AND WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!! Some things never change.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash my hands. And the keyboard. And the entire computer desk. And . . .