There are people out there who have a gift for saying the most random, ridiculous things. Sometimes the randomness is a result of simply not paying attention, or being off in la-la land. Other times, it might be the result of a complete lack of a sense of humor.
When I was a little girl I had a gift(?) for opening my eyes so wide it looked like my eyeballs were about to pop out of my head, a la The Mask. My parents referred to this as “Big Eyes” for obvious reasons, and as I was not yet old enough to sing ridiculously long songs or sew potholders for the entertainment of my parents’ peers, as a young child I was frequently called upon to “Do Big Eyes” just to prove to the world the we were, indeed, a very odd family.
In ninth grade (after I had grown old enough that “Big Eyes” was no longer my main means of entertaining guests, having been replaced by moping and mood swings), it was determined that I was old enough to wear contact lenses. So my mom and I headed to the eye doctor at the mall, because they were running the best special.
Dr. Personality did the regular eye tests– glaucoma torture, “A or B” torture, etc.– and then it was time to measure my eyes for contacts. My mother was not about to let this historic moment go by without due notice.
“Oh, Erin, I bet they’ll have to get you extra large ones!” she said in her best let’s-see-how-much-I-can-humiliate-you-right-here voice. Before I could let out a surly grunt, full of teenage angst, the doctor sat up and looked at my mother.
“Oh, I was just saying that she’ll probably need extra large contacts because she has such big eyes,” my poor mother replied, probably wishing (as I was) that she had never brought up the subject.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor said squiffily, “but your daughter does not have big eyes. Her eyelids are just far apart.”
“Oh,” was all the answer my mother could come up with, and really, who could blame her? At this point, I had forgotten my adolescent moodiness and was trying not to laugh at Dr. Personality.
“The only people who really have big eyes,” he continued in his most scholarly, humorless tone, “are albinos, and we don’t see many of those around here.”
Somehow Mom and I managed to suppress our giggles until we were out in the mall, and Dr. Personality and his far-apart eyelids have gone down in the family history books as one of the best jokes ever.
So, what about you? What’s the most random thing someone has said to you? Do share!