All right, boys, it’s time to go grocery shopping. I know, I know. You don’t like grocery shopping. Neither do I, but if we don’t go you’re having nothing but wilted spinach for lunch. Yes, I am serious. Get your sandals on. Sam, they’re by the back door. Go put them on. Yes, Ryan, you can wear your baseball hat if you can find it. Everyone ready? Anyone need to go potty? No? All right– out the door!
All right, boys, it’s time to go grocery shopping. I know, I know. You don’t like grocery shopping. Neither do I, but if we don’t go you’re having nothing but wilted spinach for lunch. Yes, I am serious. Get your shoes on. Where are your socks? Well I’m not the one who took them off! What did you do with them? Ryan, go upstairs and look by your bed. Sam, I saw yours in the living room. Go put them on. Yes you can do it by yourself. I’ve seen you do it a million times.
Ryan, why are you back downstairs? You can only find one. Well, you took them off up there so unless they sprouted legs and walked away in the last half hour I’m pretty sure they’re still up there. Don’t talk to me like that! Get back up the stairs and find your other sock. Sam, you have your socks on upside-down.
Ryan, so help me get back up the stairs and find your other sock! Sam, where are your shoes? Well, find them. Look by the door. Or did you take them off at lunch? Look under the table.
RYAN JOSEPH, STOP YOUR SCREECHING. YOUR SOCK IS UP IN YOUR ROOM. I don’t care if you have moved every pile of everything forty-five times, your sock is up in your room. Go find it, and don’t come back down until you do, and stop crying! If you don’t find it you’re only wearing one sock to the store. Got it? And it’s like twenty degrees outside so get up there and find that sock. Sam, did you find your shoes? You found one. Of course you did. Go look again. Look under the couch. No, under it, not next to it.
Ryan, you’d better be down here only if you have two socks on your feet. Good. Where are your shoes? You left them upstairs. Of course you did. Go up and get them and put them on. Sam, seriously, your shoe is right here in the middle of the floor. Sit on the couch and I’ll help you put it on.
What, Ryan? Well maybe if you say please I can help you get the knots out of your shoelaces. Sam, you are not allowed to play with Ryan’s shoelaces ever again, do you understand? This knot– ugh! Okay, get it on Ryan. Sam, here’s your other shoe. Now go to the bathroom. I don’t care if you just went. Go again. And leave the fan switch alone! Go!
All right. Both of you have your shoes on? Let’s get coats. Ryan, here’s yours. Get it on. Sam, here’s yours. Ryan, where’s your gloves and hat? Yes, you do need your hat, because– Sam! You have your coat on upside-down again! Try it again. Take it off and try it again. Sam! Pay attention! Take your coat off and try again! Because it’s upside-down! See, the hood is by your bottom! Yes, it’s hilarious. Take it off and try again. Ryan, you do need your hat. I know you have a hood but it’s windy and the hood might not stay up. Do not argue with me anymore. Find your hat.
I know, Sam, I will help you with your zipper. Okay. Where are your hat and gloves, Sam? In your backpack? Get them out and put them on. Ryan, stop griping and put your hat on. Where’s your other glove? Seriously? You lost another one? I don’t know if I have anymore! I’m going to start taking glove money out of your tooth fairy money, I swear!
Sam, I think you have all five fingers in the thumb hole of your glove. Come here and let me help you. Ryan, there’s an extra glove right there. Get it on. I don’t care if it’s not the same color, get it on anyway. Sam! Pay attention! Help me out a little here! It’s like trying to put an octopus in a glove! I know, that was hilarious. Ha-ha. Okay. Hats on? Gloves on? Coats on right-side-up? And zipped? Socks and shoes on? All righty then let’s go.
What’s that Sam? You have to go to the bathroom? Didn’t you just go? Now you have to go Number Two? Of course you do. Okay– just– NO! Don’t! Yes, Ryan, I noticed he took off his hat and gloves and coat to go to the bathroom.
Okay, Sam I hear you! I’m coming! Yes, I will clean you up. Okay. Pull up your pants. Get your hat and your coat. On they go. No, it’s is not funny to put it on upside-down on purpose. Mommy has already grown six hundred new gray hairs this morning. Here are your gloves. No, I don’t care if all your fingers are in your thumb hole. We have to leave. We have to leave right now. Because if Mommy doesn’t get a Venti White Chocolate Mocha with a Triple Shot in the next ten minutes, Mommy is going to do something she will likely regret for the rest of her life. Get in the van.