Yesterday at church, I eagerly turned my bulletin over to read the words of wisdom written on the back. Our church orders bulletins from some company that, in addition to the stock photos of nature and oddly content people on the front, also provides a bit of inspirational reading on the back. My favorite, of course, are the poems. My best guess is that the bulletin poets (at least the ones employed by our illustrious bulletin company) are either six-year-old children whose first language is Klingon, or desperate bulletin company employees who are writing poetry on the fly at 3:00 in the morning before an early deadline. Bulletin company employees who hate themselves, their jobs, and the people who will be reading their “poetry.”
All I know is that if you’re not willing to have your name appear anywhere on the bulletin with your work, it’s bad, people. BAD.
Yesterday’s bulletin poem was no disappointment. It started bad and got worse. And while I am no literary genius, I decided that the church should employ me to write the back of the bulletin.
What our bulletin needs is some realism, a sense that the person writing the poem and/or inspirational paragraph has truly been to church at some point in the last decade. Perhaps a bit of humor, or an “in joke” of some kind. Thus I present to you:
inspired by actual events
I had a little quarter;
I held it oh, so tight
To put it in the offering plate
One summer Sunday night
I held it, oh, so shiny,
Within my sticky fist
All ready to be given.
This chance would not be missed.
But then! What fate befell me!
What horror! What a shame!
The ushers did not see me!
Who? Oh, who to blame?
I sank upon my pew-seat;
My sorrow none could tell
As thickly from my eyelids
The tears as raindrops fell.
And now, hear you my story
And the verdict, sad and bleak–
For now I cannot give my quarter
To the church until next week.
Yup. I expect the bulletin printing company to be calling any time. Until then, you’re stuck reading my brilliant work here on these internets.
Have a happy Monday, everyone.