Just because you are in first grade now does not mean you know everything in the universe. Please behave accordingly.
Just because a thought passes through your brain does not mean it has to come out of your mouth.
Dear Little One,
Contrary to what you seem to think, I am trying to feed you, not drown you or choke you. And also contrary to what you seem to think, eating is actually a good thing, especially for a baby who rocks the top of the growth chart. I’m sorry I called you fat. I meant it in a good way. Please eat.
Purchasing each of my sons a ball of string to play with so that Bubs would not have to keep on cannibalizing his blanket to get strings was so kind and thoughtful of you. I hope you’re planning to pay for my doctor bills when I trip over one of the “spider webs” they have strung up all over the house.
Thank you for winning me the much coveted Ms. Chronic Disease of America title. You can go away now.
The other day I stepped in crunchy leaves. And some of the trees are turning red already. I’m disappointed in you, Iowa. I thought you loved me more than that. After I defended your State Fair and your quality of life to the masses on facebook and everything, you didn’t even try to hold onto summer, did you? We might have to rethink our relationship, Iowa.
Love, A Betrayed Iowan