Two years have passed since we learned that our third son lay dead within my womb.

The what-ifs, the should-have-beens, they still claw at my heart occasionally.

They touch that place that after two years is still tender to their ungentle touch.

I imagine him in heaven, all chubby legs and blond hair and noisy babble.

I imagine him climbing into the lap of a childless woman who prayed all her life for a son–

I imagine her holding his hand and tickling him jut so.

Maybe my imagination runs away with me.

It doesn’t matter.

He is there, with our loving Lord.

And someday he will take his big brother’s hands and show them around that beautiful place.

And someday he and his little sister will embrace with joy for the presence of the Lord.

And someday I, I will hold him in my arms and touch his face that I can only imagine now.

Until then though, I hold him in my heart.

Never forgotten.


14 thoughts on “imagining

  1. I’m chattering on Twitter about movies and your tweet popped right in the middle of it. I’d like to say something warm and wise and supportive, but I think you said it all, and more.

  2. A friend of ours lost a little girl ( at 10 months), and Caed recently asked me about what happened to her when she went to heaven, whether she would keep growing or stay like a little baby. I told him that I like to imagine they stay little enough for their mommies to cuddle with them when they are reunited in heaven. I like to imagine that for you, especially, my friend.

  3. i’d like to tell you the ache diminishes, but from my experience it doesn’t (it will be 10 yrs for me in sept). and i’m okay with that. i became his mommy the moment i discovered i was prego, and i hoped, and dreamed him into my life- my whole life. i will always long for him, be missing him, everyday. just as God longs for and misses me.
    and when i get home i KNOW his face will be familiar, mine, and the way his hand feels in mine will be next to being with jesus, the best part of coming home.
    missing caleb makes me love God’s mysteries,and helps me understand even more the daddy he is.
    may God lavish his love on you friend.

  4. when you imagined touching his face, my heart fell.
    Because I can’t imagine.
    So I will send love and prayers. And whenever you write about this, I am deeply touched by how your words are always tender . For yourself, and for others who may find healing and hope in them.

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