Two Days from Beginning

Slowly, over months, with trips to the bookstore and clicks of the mouse and gifts from family, we have filled shelves on a new bookcase full of possibility.

I have researched techniques, learning styles, curricula, styles, hopes, dreams– scoured websites, read blogs, talked with friends, formed ideas, rejected one thing for another, been lost, been found again, and waxed eloquent to a patient husband who is glad to let me take this thing and run with it.

I wonder if his heart can safely trust me.

Only two days remain now, till all the planning and purchasing and agonizing begins, I hope, to pay off. Today we do our own things, but two days from now we will clear the table after breakfast and read history, learn literature, practice holding pencils and adding numbers.

I must press down self-doubt. I must trust instead.

Over the months since God called me to school my children, I have begun to feel that I can trust no one but myself to teach them. Perhaps this is true, right now, for us. Perhaps it’s just me being paranoid or prideful. Part of me thinks I cannot trust myself either. What if I fail?

I will fail. This I know, living here with myself as I have all these years. This weak frail flesh, this prideful and temperamental and lazy spirit, this person that is me fails daily, in the loving and the training and the nurturing and the feeding and the clothing. Add schooling to this list, and who am I to think that suddenly I will never fail?

I must trust the God within me that my failures will be used by Him in my children’s lives as much as my successes. That they will learn on bad days as well as good days, and that the lessons learned on the bad days may be the lessons that are most important. I must trust that the God who called me is faithful to perform it.

When our plans for this year involved sending our boys to school, I thought how I would revel in the quiet and the special times with just my daughter. But now– I think how I will revel in the joy of having my children with me a little longer, the privilege of drawing them closer to my heart as I teach them.

I know some days will be terrible. I know some days I will want to cry, scream, give up, eat unholy amounts of chocolate, and curl up in the fetal position. But I feel blessed for the chance to keep my little people with me another day. I know soon they will not be little people.

And I am quite sure that years from now, as my babies leave the nest, I will never regret spending a few extra days with them. Even the hair-pulling days.


14 thoughts on “Two Days from Beginning

  1. Erin – so happy to have you join the homeschool crowd – and please, do refrain from donning jumpers and tennis shoes :). I just want to encourage you that homeschooling is the best – even when some days are discouraging. Every time I get discouraged I try to remind myself that 2 of our girls so far have gotten saved as a direct result of our homeschooling. Not to mention the extreme reviewing of all I learned once upon a time – I realize I will be teaching the same material 3 times over :). Happy homeschooling and email me if you ever want to vent, rejoice, share, compare or encourage one another! 🙂

  2. Oh Erin. I love reading your blog and seeing just a peep of your household through your words. I will be praying for you as you start on your new journey as a home school mom. I can’t wait to hear how your first week went. I’m sure you will have all sorts of tales. 🙂

  3. Love this because it’s so true. Can’t wait to do this “together” this year. Hopefully we can encourage each other through the year!

  4. Erin, I to have begun that journey and as I read how you felt it descirbes how I feel. I have had several fears of failing this last week or so and it is encouraging to be reminded that yes in the flesh I will fail but with God I wont.
    Thanks for that great reminder

  5. you won’t regret it…even the hair pulling days (and there will be many).

    you will erin, draw them closer to your heart as you teach them. drawing them closer to your heart will cause your heart to expand with love for them (bet you thought it couldn’t get any bigger).

    p.s. i keep chocolate hidden in my closet. i hide in there (sometimes in the fetal position), removing my fingers from their tight grip on my hair, and munch away till i’m somewhat sane, and then i pray for a couple more hours of strength till daddy makes it home. 🙂

  6. i love your outlook on failure here… gosh, you make me smile, and you make me wanna be kind of brave. i sent my kiddos off today… and have been thinking about them all day. yeah, you will never regret the time spent together. when you look back, even the ugly days don’t hurt so much 🙂

  7. So I who went through the El ED program and thought I was a pretty good teacher capable of handling one small daughterand I ended up sobbing in the hallway after a particularly hard day of school! It happens to the best of us but after awhile you get into a rythmn and your glad at the end when you reach it! :o) Praying for you SPFP!!!

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