On A Roll, Except Not Really

Sometimes my children do things that completely mystify me.

Other times they make me feel like I am losing my mind more quickly than I would have thought possible.

And sometimes, they do both.

I have housework issues, and I think the story I am about to tell you stems from those. I guess it’s not so much housework that’s the problem as my own laziness, but I’m going to blame my the housework anyway.

My blog. My prerogative.

One of the things I tend to ignore forget is replacing the toilet paper roll. I blame the one house we lived in that actually did not have a toilet paper roller thingie. We had no choice but to leave the roll on the back of the toilet, and then I was so used to it that since then I’ve had those issues I was talking about.

Never mind we only lived there fourteen months, three and a half years ago. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.


I’ve been trying to do better about the whole toilet paper thing. Mostly because if I don’t put it on the roll, in tends to relocate itself from the back of the toilet to entirely unhelpful places like the back of the sink or the end table in the living room. So I’ve been trying to remember that entirely common sense habit of putting a new roll on when an old roll is finished.

My boys like to build things with those cardboard toilet paper tubes. At least, they used to. Now they just hoard them against the day when they shall make something Truly Magnificent from Trash. Seriously. I think Bubba has about 40 of them stashed away in his so-called “art supply drawer.” No actual art supplies fit in said drawer, thanks to the plethora of toilet tubes. It’s a lovely arrangement.

Generally speaking, the second the last square is used off the roll, the tube disappears. When I started being more diligent about replacing the rolls, the boys learned how to remove the tubes from the holder. Sometimes they would also remove a great quantity of toilet paper, using it to fill the trash can or clog the toilet, but I put a quick stop to that with the threat of confiscating Every Single Last TP tube in the house and never ever ever letting them play with them ever again, even when they’re fifty.

Anyway, all this to say that it’s not very unusual in this house to go into the bathroom and discover that the holder is sitting there empty and there isn’t a roll of paper or even an empty tube anywhere to be found. (Unless you look in Bubba’s craft drawer, but since it’s not in the bathroom, I’m not sure why you would.)

The other day I went in the bathroom and the roll of toilet paper was on the back of the toilet. This isn’t unusual either, because although I have been replacing the rolls fairly regularly, the rest of the family doesn’t see the need. Old habits and all that, I suppose. I placed the roll on the holder and forgot all about it.

Until later that day, when I walked in the bathroom and the paper was on the back of the toilet again. I was a bit confused, I gotta say, especially when I replaced it and found it removed again a few hours later. For a moment I was convinced I was losing my mind, but then I remember that I have Short People Who Do Weird Things in my house.

So I called my eldest to me and asked if he had taken the roll off.

“Um, yes?”

“Well don’t do that anymore,” I said irritably and left it at that. I figured he was just messing around because he’s a boy and that’s what he does.

But this morning, when I went to the bathroom, I discovered that not only was the roll not on the holder, but the little twirly thing that the roll goes on was laying on the counter next to the poor abused toilet paper roll.



“Did you take the toilet paper off theΒ  holder again?”

“Oh, sorry, I meant to put it back.”

“Well why did you take it off in the first place?”

“Well, um, you know– I went to the bathroom this morning, and it was a lot, and, well, um, I just needed it.”

“Why didn’t you just use it while it was on the holder?”

“Well it’s hard for me to do it that way.”

Let this be a lesson to you, my friend. If you neglect your toilet paper roll, it’s very possibly that your almost eight-year-old will not be able to effectively use one, and will be forced to remove the roll from the holder whenever he needs some toilet paper.

Or, conversely, this could be a lesson on the futility of housework.

I’m kind of leaning toward that second one.


10 thoughts on “On A Roll, Except Not Really

  1. Haha! Too funny :o) We’ve been taking the toilet paper off the holder in the kids’ bathroom and putting it really high so that my second cant reach it. She has nearly clogged the toilet more than once wiping to much. So this way she has to call me to get help wiping, hence saving us clogging all our pumbing. Now Im second guessing our situation…

  2. One time when the kids were in 6th and 4th grade and my mom was living with us, I was completely fed up of finding an empty toilet paper roll on the roller and a partially used one on the back of the toilet. I called a “family meeting” in the bathroom, where I went step by step demonstrating how to throw the old tube away and how to put the new one on – with paper falling form the top. My mother just stood in the hallway laughing at me! Note: with little people, it is actually better to have the paper come from the bottom, gravity and friction help prevent 3′ of paper being pulled off when only 1′ will do πŸ˜‰

  3. Hilarious! It is I think a good lesson on how kids think we understand and know everything they think/say and what a true mystery thier thoughts and actions are to us! On the subject of how to roll the Tp.
    And at least you have an excuse for not putting the roll on. I don’t and it still seems to never make it to the holder!

  4. Hilarious. You are so funny! πŸ™‚ I can’t wait till my little boy uses toilet paper instead of hearing “No, Mommy, I do NOT want to go stinky in the potty, I want to go stinky in my diaper.” and “Don’t come talk to me, I’m just in the kitchen. I’m not doing nothing out here.” πŸ™‚

  5. are you kidding me? i am cracking up here! crack.ing.up. who knew tp rolls could be so hysterical! i have to have it installed on the holder. did you ever see that “mad about you” episode where she comes out and silently yells about putting it on the holder?

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