Wrecked

No one wants to hear those words, standing with the phone pressed to her ear, expecting that beloved voice to say it’s almost home. No one wants to hear instead “I was in an accident,” to hear about a rolling van, glass shattering, panic setting in.

I remind myself a thousand times as I call friends, soothe children: it could have been an officer calling. “We’re sorry Mrs. Kilmer, but there’s been an accident.”

Could have been.

So fragile, this life, and our hearts pound and blood rushes round with this realization– we are always only one blink from forever.

And everything is a whirlwind of phone calls and confusion and doctors and worried children and when did I grow up and how can I be expected to deal with this? How can I deal with it when I am so tired and the little one is sick and sleepless and the other part of my one flesh is standing alone on the side of the road looking at our totaled van?

Somehow I fight back the little girl tears and call on the woman strength, and finally he is home and okay but sore with flecks of glass still in his hair.

Deep within I feel one little flutter– is it? Did I really feel that? Fragile life within and without, and I am blessed, and I hug my babies tight and curl into him that I love and the little girl tears come out, just for awhile, and it’s okay.

Tomorrow? I don’t know. Ten minutes from now? All a mystery.

But this moment? Right now? We are all here, and we are all safe, and there is no question in my mind–

God is good. All the time.

Now breathe.

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17 thoughts on “Wrecked

  1. Scott’s roll over accident on the interstate in our van was a year ago this month. Reading this post I was reminded of that night. Life is fragile and Scott’s accident was a powerful reminder to us of that and of God’s faithfulness to keep him safe.

    I’ll be praying for you and your kids. I’m sure it is hard for them being old enough to understand what happened.

  2. sometimes i feel like shedding those little girl tears are the only way to find the woman strength. i know all the thoughts that ran through your mind… have felt the shock turn to peace and jolt back again. one night two of eric’s co-workers showed up at my door carrying his vest… and told me he was on the way to the hospital. but He carries us through and puts our man back in our arms and we are nothing but thankful. i know that van was an answered prayer… and i have to believe there is another answer right around the corner. when the worry sets in, HOW BIG God can provide.

    and that little flutter? a gift of peace right from the Peacemaker! love you!

  3. Dawn wrote, “…and that little flutter? a gift of peace right from the Peacemaker! ”

    True… also adrenaline. 🙂 It affects the little one right along with Mommy. I felt my 3rd baby move for the first time right after using my asthma inhaler.

  4. The whole “growing up” thing is just a myth. You will always need to shed those little girl tears. Now, pass the Kleenex please.

  5. Sorry about your van, but so glad Art was okay!!! I needed the reminder about God’s goodness today as a friend is going through something very difficult. Thank you for this.

  6. So scary! Im so glad that your love is ok. When I was 18 my family did experiance the, your loved one died phone call. My brother died in a car accident. Your post brought back memories. God IS good, all the time.

  7. Erin, I’m so sorry for your dh’s accident, but I am praising God that he is ok. I’ve said it before, but you have SUCH a gift for writing! Your post brought tears to my eyes.

  8. thank you erin.

    how like God that you felt the baby flutter at that moment. he is good all the time.

    we lost a friend this week. that night. tragically.
    the little girl in me burst into tears, as she should have, but now the woman made strong by the grace of God, trusts in His sovereignty, hopes in God alone, waits for His glory (which i am sure is here already though i can not see it), and fights in prayer for her family.

    much love friend.

  9. Your “could have been…” brought tears to my eyes. So scary to let your thoughts go there, yet also such a reminder to be so, so, thankful for what we have now! I can remember those exact words ringing in my head when Benjamin was diagnosed.
    I am praising God for His protection and that Art is home safe with your family.
    Keeping hugging those babies close & enjoy the little flutters of the tiniest one!

  10. when did I grow up and how can I be expected to deal with this?

    Oh Erin, so glad that Art was ok ❤ This post had me in tears. It's easy to forget how fragile life is until moments like this make it unforgettable. Praying that the van-replacement details come together soon.

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