In Which I Traumatize my Mother, and my Sister, and All of my Family, by Traumatizing my Sons

This is a family friendly blog, so I just want to preface this entry by spoiling the ending: yesterday I told my boys about the “facts of life.”

Feel free to move on if you don’t know about them yet. But there’s funny stuff ahead, so you might want to hang with me.

This actually was a good thing; I’ve read in several places recently about talking to our kids about this sort of thing (sorry for the euphemisms but I don’t want a bunch of weirdos reading my blog. I’m weird enough for all of us). Anyway. I have read in several different places about the importance of opening dialogue about it while they’re young, and how protecting their hearts is more important than keeping them “innocent,” and a bunch of other stuff I can’t remember, and it all boils down to I was feeling like this was a talk we needed to have.

And then as I was lesson planning for this week, I discovered that our science book has a flower dissection project in it, one which describes the stamen and the carpel and how the pollen moves down the carpel until it reaches the ovary and smooshes together (totally technical term there) to make a NEW SEED! I’m sure I left something out. But you get the general idea.

So we dissected flowers, and we talked about the boy parts and then we talked about the girl parts and it was all I could do to not fall of my chair laughing when Bubs said, in a very panicked voice, “I can’t find my female part!”

Snicker. It still makes me laugh.

Anyway, Squeezy was being good and the boys were there and the topic was sitting there like a big old elephant in the room so I told them that just like God made flowers with a male part that has one job and a female part that has a different job, but they have to work together to make a seed, God made people that way too.I explained a little further and then Bubs said,

“Mom, I have a question. How does the man’s part of the seed get to the woman’s part of the seed so they can make a baby? Because I don’t think it involves bees.”

Snicker.

So then I told them. And they got appropriately grossed out when I explained the mechanics of it all. And I really am not entirely sure Stinky heard a word anyway, because he was busy dissecting another flower.

And of course, mixed in with all the facts was also a lot of Mommy preaching about marriage, and purity, and all that stuff. As we got to the end of our conversation, I told them that all of this was part of God’s perfect plan for a husband and wife, but that our world has really messed it up and gives us all kinds of bad messages about having s3x. And I said, “have you heard those words before? Having s3x? That’s what it’s called.”

And Bubs considered it all very carefully, and then said with a great deal of seriousness,

“I don’t think so, Mommy. I don’t think I’ve heard the word ‘s3x.’ But I have heard the word ‘having.'”

What a relief, Bubba. I was totally worried that at nearly nine you had never heard the word having.

I know I’m sleeping better now.

Snicker.

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7 thoughts on “In Which I Traumatize my Mother, and my Sister, and All of my Family, by Traumatizing my Sons

  1. This whole thing is magical. All of it. And I like how seriously he thought about the words and confessed to having heard the word “having.” (Look at me there using it twice in one sentence! Well, this is a mature audience.)

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