Reflecting

As I pad softly down the dark steps in the early morning, a light from outside draws my eye. Too early for sunrise as fall marches crisply toward winter and short days and all our needs felt a little more deeply– what is it out there, lighting up the early morning with its brilliance? And then, as I linger by the window a moment before turning on the lights and expelling the quiet shadows and the gentle brightness from outside, I realize it is the moon, full-glowing into my house in the early October morning.

Just the moon.

I guess I had forgotten how powerful a reflection can be.

********

I have been thinking about this blog lately, about its purpose and what I want to do with it. When I started writing here, I wanted to expand my audience and perhaps grow readership for a book someday. That was a big dream, and one that hasn’t come to fruition. I know the reasons for that– I know enough about blogging and gaining a readership to know that my erratic posting schedule and my lack of unified content are likely to push all but my friends and family away. If you want to be a successful, popular blogger you have to post daily and you have to consistently talk about the same sorts of things. You have to build an audience of people who want to know about whatever you’re offering– recipes, simple living, homeschooling, technology, decorating, whatever.

I don’t offer that.

Some days my blog is silly, sometimes serious. Mostly it’s lonely, waiting for me to come back and post again. It makes me feel guilty. I think the guilt is kind of silly. Guilty over a blog? But it’s there.

See, I think I have the ability to write well. And I enjoy writing. But I’m also pretty sure, if I’m embarrassingly honest here, that I don’t have what it takes to be a great writer. Because I don’t have the patience to sit down every day and write through the writer’s block and the paragraphs that refuse to be written and the distractions and the little voice that says “this stinks.” I start well, but I fizzle. And then I can’t seem to pick myself up again.

This is an ongoing pattern in my life and doesn’t just pertain to writing. It’s one of the main reasons I NEVER wanted to home school my kids. It is only by God’s amazing grace that we have gotten through as well as we have.

I don’t know what the point of this is. I guess– I have felt again the stirring to try to do something big, and I’m afraid to even start. I sit down and start to type and the cursor blinks mockingly and I give up and go check Facebook and look at Pinterest and read the blogs of real writers and play a game of Words with Friends and the next thing I know quiet time is over and so is any chance I had of concentrating on anything. It feels hopeless.

This is just me reflecting, and hoping that maybe these reflections are more powerful than I realize at the moment.

Like moonlight, streaming into my darkened home just before daybreak.

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9 thoughts on “Reflecting

  1. I have been battling the same thing lately – and the fact that it touches my blog is the least of my worries. Maybe it’s a personality thing? or maybe just a character flaw of mine. I don’t know. I’ve really been thinking about it a lot lately and trying to figure out how to beat it in the day-to-day things, like homeschooling. If you figure it out, let me know. Until then, I immensely enjoy reading your blog. You have a magnetic writing style. I think a book is definitely in order, large blog audience or not ;-).

  2. stupid guilt over a blog. i get it.

    i like the Voice in you and the way He pours out on a page. Pour Him out.

    every one of us has been given a gift to show who God is. you have a gift here.

    making a commitment for 31 days to write for what i wanted to write for was good. hard, but good. nobody comments when you write everyday. not many were wild about my content…but i wasn’t writing to them anyway. the discipline has helped me to not focus so much on writing to a blog audience and to write to my Audience of One.

  3. It was Anne Morrow Lindbergh that said,” Writing for a wife and mother is like rowing against wind and tide.” I think every writer struggles between the desire to write and the doubt that you really can. Tell yourself to just free write for 15 minutes every day. It’s like exercise – once you start, you usually go longer than you thought you would or could! 🙂

  4. I love reading your blog whether you or deep or silly! You have such a way of putting things, it always lightened my mood! I feel your writing struggle. I dreamed of writing a deep and wonderful book by now about growing up in a hellish situation and finding love and fulfillment with God but I haven’t. I wanted to write novels and children’s books I had so many ideas I felt sure I would find time for but haven’t. I don’t want to be one of those “someday” people BUT when it’s the right time you will be able to make the time. Perhaps God is letting you “ripen” and when you’re ready down you’ll plop! It might not be til your kiddos are old enough to like spending oodles of time away from you so you’ll have some peace and quiet to focus. Perhaps your mission will be to pass along your gift and inspire one of your children to be that “great author” you so wanted to be. I do know that if you force yourself and make to many little time slots for things you dream of doing you’ll end up crazy, I KNOW this because I did and went crazy (I’m still recovering)! Take time to measure if what you want to do is of worth in the eyes of God as His child and as a wife and mother and then see what can be done. And you know, there is always summer break to write that best seller! ;o)

  5. Forget about “being” a writer,

    forget about a book,

    forget about an audience,

    only think about writing,

    simply writing whatever.

    Try blogging only once a week, for five minutes…what ever comes into your mind to say at that very moment.
    Do this for one month, no pictures. Friend and family contact must be done another way.

    Slow down and just notice things. Things other people are doing or saying. People watch a lot. Be a spy. Be a fly on the wall.

    Are you game?

  6. That stirring to do something big… I think it’s in each one of us. I think God has created us for bigger things than we are often willing to strive for. But when we do strive, and when we do put forth the effort to use our gifts for His glory (even when it’s uncomfortable and hard), the rewards are immense.

    Love you, sis.

  7. You are my soul sister. Don’t give up writing, like the others have commented I too love what you do here, be it silly or serious. It’s so much easier if you blog for you, rather than trying to blog for an unknown and often anonymous audience.

    So do it for you Erin, not for what you think your readers might like to hear.

    That being said, when it comes to blogging I’m a bigger slacker than you are and I know it.

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