October 2015 is two hours from over, and it has been one of the hardest months of my life. Some periods of our lives are like roller coasters emotionally, but for me October has been a hurricane– a constant swirl of stress and grief and joy and fear and laughter and loneliness. The calm center has been hard to find on some days.

There are things we can’t understand and times that we battle for one inch of forward ground in a week. There are times to mourn and there is promised comfort for the mourners, but sometimes the comfort is hidden deep in the center of a most terrible storm. There are nightmares that become reality and weeks that seem like years. There are times when tears come so much more easily than words.

God asks me to do the hard thing– brings me to my face before Him, says to really give it up this time. I whisper my surrender, not knowing what comes next. What comes next is eleven days of grief, shock, stress, anger, heartache– but not a return to the ways of before. This is not my victory. This is only His victory. So many tears. So much joy. Perhaps the only real victory.

The kids make me laugh and hug me when I can’t. They want to understand about cancer and death and so do I, really, because who can understand good godly husbands and fathers dying? Who can imagine the laughing face from the wedding pictures silent? I’m not sure we’re meant to understand and the questions without answers are the hardest when they come from a child who trusts. When I’m asking the same questions.

My sorrow and my loss are very small compared to the sorrow and loss of friends I love.

This blog post is my memorial stone for October 2015. I do not want to forget what God has brought me through– the emotional ups and downs, the fight to sacrifice and surrender and give in to the amazing grace of an amazing God. I do not want to forget that in my weakness my God is strong, that He is there even in the desert.

In November we will give thanks.


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