Can I be very transparent with you? If you’ve been reading my blog since the beginning, when I had two preschool boys who were the most exhausting and hilarious thing in the world, then you have probably realized that my writing has changed. Aside from not blogging nearly as often as I used to (thank you, homeschooling three kids!), I just don’t feel like I really ever post fun stuff anymore.
I am struggling with this. I loved writing the craziness of my daily, messy, busy, loud life. Somehow I could redeem the stories about the peeing on the lawn or the meltdown at Walmart by telling them to other people to make them laugh. I have always loved to make people laugh. I still do. I mean, I used to have the occasional serious post, but lately– I feel like it’s been pretty heavy around here.
I want to post the funny stuff, and tell the life stories that make people laugh. I have three awesome kids and life with them is fun, and funny. But I have changed. That’s what it comes down to. In the long, slow opening of my heart to my Savior, He has made changes. So much of the humor was part of my protective shell. It was part of this carefully created, only-partially-truthful persona that I worked very hard to show the world. I would show my messy life, but not my messy heart.
I don’t even know if I’m explaining any of this right at all.
I love the funny blog posts and the silly kid stories, but I really believe that God is calling me right now to share my messy heart. That is really hard from me, even on my best days. I would much rather be your funny friend than your super serious holy rolling Bible quoting friend. I feel that in some ways God is changing my identity and that is really hard for me to surrender.
Of course, the reality is that God changed my identity three decades ago when He saved me. Now He is bringing me into that reality and showing me what it means. And I know that it turns people off. I have always cared so much about what people think about me. I could never be the super pretty or the super athletic one. I failed at being the super smart one and even the super rebellious one, and I was definitely never the super cool one. And so eventually I settled into the role of the funny one, and I liked it. I still like it. But I’m starting to realize that maybe that’s not God’s best for me.
Maybe God’s best for me is to quit worrying about what everyone else thinks of me, and to rest in what HE thinks of me.
He says I’m beloved and that I please Him.
If you know Jesus as your Savior, He says the same thing about you.
And so I guess I’ll keep on writing whatever comes out as God works His good changes in my heart. And I know that some people won’t be as interested. And I know that it will be hard to be vulnerable and open and to know that people really preferred the funny-mama persona. And I guess I’m okay with that.
See, my Savior loves me so much that He bore everything broken and shameful and rebellious about me in His own body on the cross. And He loves me so much that He instead gave me the record of His own perfect righteousness. And so now I’m His, and He is the only One whose opinion really matters. I might not be perfectly comfortable with this yet, but that’s okay, because the One who created me in His image for good works is still doing His good work in my heart. And He is always here.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new is come.