Five

I am a mother five times over. five times? you say, looking around my house obviously populated by three — three kids smiling from pictures on the walls– three kids’ artwork proudly displayed– three kids’ worth of beds and clothes and Legos and dollies and schoolbooks. Yes, Five. Five hearts have beaten under my own– […]

Life Goes On

Life goes on, even when it doesn’t– even when some deep part of my heart has stopped beating and my soul can’t breathe. I don’t know if it’s comforting or not to think that outside the four dead walls of my heart the world spins with its joy-and-sadness, birth-and-death, sunrise-sunset whirlwind. You post about your […]

After a Week

It’s been one week since the bleeding, the call to the doctor, the over-the-phone reassurances and the “if you want to come in I can check, but I’m sure everything’s okay.” It’s been one week since the picture on the screen, quiet and unmoving– one week since “your baby is gone.” It’s been one week […]

imagining

Two years have passed since we learned that our third son lay dead within my womb. The what-ifs, the should-have-beens, they still claw at my heart occasionally. They touch that place that after two years is still tender to their ungentle touch. I imagine him in heaven, all chubby legs and blond hair and noisy […]

Instead

He should be fifteen months old. I picture him with blonde hair and dimples, toddling around the house, terrorizing the dog, saying a few words now and then. It’s hard to imagine having a toddler boy instead of a five-month-old baby girl. Hard to imagine blue instead of pink. Hard to imagine Elijah instead of […]